10 things that will always happen when you do NCT classes

You’ve heard the mythical tales about the NCT mates your peers who have children have in their lives – and now it’s your turn. So here you are, in the most uncomfortable chair you’ve sat in since you were 15 and sitting a French GCSE, grinning in a slightly crazy way at everyone else in the room so they’ll want to be your mum friends.

And what next?

Here is how it will more than likely play out… says Caroline Corcorran author of bestseller Through The Wall, in her new book, The Baby Group - a gripping new crime thriller with a twist you won’t see coming.

1. You’ll meet the Gaviscon swigger

You notice there’s something different about her water bottle. It’s got a picture of some… insides on it? And yet, she swigs it as enthusiastically and as fast as a pre-pregnancy you swigged a G&T. Ah! It’s Gaviscon. Just be thankful: even if you think you’ve had a bit of heartburn this trimester, if you haven’t yet swigged Gaviscon by the bottle yourself then you don’t know - true -pregnancy heartburn.

2. The group WhatsApp will spin out of control

The group WhatsApp will be useful. The group WhatsApp will be funny. The group WhatsApp will make you weep when you’re a week and a half overdue and every woman on there is announcing their baby’s arrival. But you should also know: the group WhatsApp will be in receipt of upwards of 1500 messages by the time your baby is six months old. Parents of newborns who find someone to talk to about reflux at 3am send - a lot -of messages.

3. The diagrams will put - quite - the positive spin on things!

It looked very easy, the way that baby came out of that birth canal. Almost like those billions of women have been… exaggerating? Or the diagram was inaccurate. Yes. Definitely one of those two things.

4. You’ll do a tick-list friend assessment

Everyone you know who’s had a baby seems to have a few NCT friends that are still around years later. The race is on now to figure out who yours will be via rushed personal histories over biscuit breaks and some crucial questions such as ‘What are your feelings about Love Island?’

5. You’ll have a ‘stuff’ related panic

Around the time that Laura says her drawers are full of 16 perfectly ironed babygrows and the nursery ‘just needs the finishing touches’ and the only baby related thing you’ve bought is 15 bottles of Prosecco for your baby shower.

6. You’ll have your first post-baby night out with them

Because only they will understand that you have - longed - for this freedom but now want to spend 90% of it looking at pictures of your baby and/ or talking about them. The other 10% though? You have a tiny handbag that doesn’t have any Sudocrem in it! You are free! You are very, very drunk on two vodka cocktails because you haven’t had a drink in a year! And no, the local nightclub isn’t open at 8.05pm.

7. The biscuit game will be strong

If they know one thing about pregnant women, it’s that when you take a break from the nappy/ birth chat, you’re going to want a lot of biscuits.

8. You’ll skirt round the words ‘formula’ and ‘pain relief’ and ‘what if a reusable nappy sounds like my idea of hell’

Don’t. Your birth is your birth and your baby is your baby and your boobs are your boobs and your nappies are your nappies, the end. You’re not 15 and being forced to learn GCSE maths; you’re here to get support and help that you need.

9. Someone will form a splinter group

A few months after classes, it will become evident that there are a few women you have more in common with than the others. But establishing that fact will have all of the politics of the sixth form common room and a slight panic as the three of you enter soft play/ baby rhyme time/ the swimming pool with the shiftiness of low-level criminals.

10. You will get some absolutely brilliant advice

From the website where you can get that pram you want second hand for a bargain price to the sleeping bag that will stop you stressing about baby blankets to a hundred other gems, this group of women are going to be invaluable for making your new mum life easier, happier, funnier and cheaper. Hurrah!

The Baby Group by Caroline Corcoran is out September 17 - published by Harper Collins

Her life was perfect. Until the video. Scarlett’s golden life suddenly unravels when someone sends a shocking video of her to everyone she knows. The only people who claim they haven’t seen it are the friends in her new mothers’ group: Cora, Emma and Asha. Scarlett is forced to delve into her past to discover who is out to get her. But as her circle of trust gathers around her, she has to ask – are her friends as innocent as they seem? A gripping read about motherhood, secrets and lies.

{Main Image from Getty Images}