Have you ever gone out with toast in your hair?
(a) I believe the shade is called ‘honey’, not toast, and I never go out without my highlights in place.
(b) It was a cornflake, actually, and I found it when a flock of seagulls started fighting over my head.
(c) Don’t be ridiculous! I always keep it in my bag!
Ever wear pop socks?
(a) Who do you think I am? Germaine Greer?
(b) I wear socks. There’s not much ‘pop’ about them.
(c) I always wear pop socks. Everywhere except on my feet.
Are you popular with other parents?
(a) Strangely, I find them rather stand-offish. Which is rich considering the outfits they turn up in. I’ve even offered fashion advice, and had it flung back in my face.
(b) Unfortunately, yes.
(c) Well, they always greet me with broad grins. I wouldn’t say I was actually close with any of them, though. A rum lot, if you ask me.
Do your children's friends like you?
(a) They seem rather in awe of me, actually. They’re always saying they’d like their mothers to be like me!
(b) Well, they keep coming back, but if I’m honest I don’t think it’s me they like as much as my cooking.
(c) Do you know, I’ve never given it a moment’s thought. Why would I care whether they like me or not?
Do your children dress in fashionable clothes?
(a) Do bears crap in the woods?
(b) Well, nobody actually laughs and points at them, so I suppose they blend in pretty well.
(c) They seem to have got into the habit of choosing their own clothes.
Are your children embarrassed by you?
(a) Never, I’m their role model.
(b) Constantly, they regard me as a hopeless case.
(c) They claim to be embarrassed quite often, and sometimes puzzled, but assure me that nothing I could do would ever surprise them. What does that mean, do you suppose?
What's on your iPod?
(a) An eclectic mix of old favourites and new releases. And I’m using it to learn Portuguese for our next little Brazilian sojourn!
(b) Jam. No, I don’t mean the popular and successful 1980s beat combo The Jam, I mean somebody’s smeared jam on it.
(c) I always download Melvyn Bragg’s excellent Radio 4 programme, In Our Time. Apart from that it’s mostly thrash metal.
Britney Spears?
(a) Don't get me started...
(b) I said, please, don't get me started...
(c) Sorry, where in Brittany?
What do you do when you're not being a mum?
(a) I am a freelance record producer, rap poet and artiste.
(b) I am a part-time officer in local government. I also lie on the sofa quite a lot, moaning.
(c) I am an active member of the Local History Society.
What's your idea of the perfect night out?
(a) I really enjoy first-night parties and gallery openings. Such a pleasure to spend one’s time with like-minded people - but have to be careful not to be photographed in the same dress twice!
(b) The last time I had a night out it was in A&E, so I’m probably not the best person to ask.
(c) Well, I can tell you those Local History Society cheese and wine bashes can get pretty wild!
How do you keep healthy?
(a) I follow a strict regime of Ayurvedic healthcare and have my own personal Pilates trainer.
(b) Well, I don’t drink as much as I did before I had kids.
(c) I don’t know, I just don’t ever seem to get ill. I eat a lot of prunes. They certainly keep you regular, which probably has something to do with keeping chipper.
How did you rate?
MOSTLY A
Congratulations! You are one cool parent! Enjoy it while you can because your children will hate you when they are teenagers and you are still trying to upstage them.
MOSTLY B
Congratulations! You are one uncool parent! Your children will only appreciate you, though, in about 20 years’ time.
MOSTLY C
Congratulations! You are a complete eccentric and you don’t get many of them to the pound these days. Your children are all set to have lucrative jobs as successful writers and broadcasters, cashing in on their bizarre childhoods. You’ll probably be incredibly cool after you’re dead, so make sure you take lots of photos and wobbly cine footage now. It’ll do their careers no end of good.
