CHRISTMAS IS MY absolute favorite time of year, a time for giving, for peace and goodwill to all men. Every year Maid Millie dresses up as the big red man himself and goes out to the streets of the West End handing out chocolate coins to the less privileged (you know, the ones who shop at Primmark). Sharon-Tracey, Maid Millie’s illegitimate daughter, dresses up as a reindeer and we play a lovely Christmas game where I ride her around the country estate and whip her when she’s getting lazy and too hot in her fur outfit.
So it was a great pleasure this week when I was invited to attend the Hamley’s Christmas show. Fit for the occasion, I am dressed in a beautiful silk snow-white Dior dress and Maid Millie is wearing her Santa outfit, although she moans all the way there, saying it’s too hot to wear a beard.
Hamleys is surely every child's dream. For today, Santa's grotto is situated in the party room on the fifth floor (just like Harvey Nicks!) where there is a cherry-picked collection of must-have gifts for the season, including a mini grand piano; Pipi Max, the toy dog who drinks water then cocks his leg to pee it out: you certainly won't catch my little Shiatsu doing that sort of thing! Then there's Stinky, the mini garbage truck, who dances and eats other trucks for his dinner. My favourites were the new Barbie that has a video camera stealthily hidden in her necklace – perfect for when I am filming my arch rival Candida Lovejoy, who was there trying on the new dragon foam head. A definite improvement if I may say so!
Candida Lovejoy works for a magazine called ‘Mother’s Touch’ – a poor imitation of the 'world's finest parenting magazine' where she has a column called ‘I have my mother's touch’. At first, I decided to hide amongst the Sylvanian Families new ‘Regency Hotel’ and busy myself to avoid any confrontation. Too late. Candida spotted me and angled her way over like an annoying wasp. “Little Miss J, I love your dress,” she opined. “Is it New Look?” Then she suggested we should have a little race on the mini Ferraris. “May the best gal win!” she snorted. So I sat in my red F1 Mini Ferrari, Candida is next to me in hers, Maid Millie is dressed as Santa with a whistle in her beard. The whistle blows and off we go…
Candida is a nasty player, and deliberately reversed into me, pushing me over, before making her own pushy way into the lead. Luckily, I have Maid Millie on my side, who rushes to my rescue, strategically manoevring ‘Dave the Funky Monkey’ in Candida’s tracks and she – poor hopeless thing – goes flying. Game over and I, Little Miss Junior, am taking my rightful place on the podium as victor. Corks go flying and it's fizzy pop all round!